Doubt: Kissing the Demon On the Mouth

If any Christian tells you that they do not struggle with doubts, DO NOT BUY A CAR FROM THEM. If they lie about that, they'll lie about anything.

We all struggle with doubt. The worst way we handle it is to keep it a secret. We do that to protect ourselves from rejection and criticism of others who continue lying about their lack of any of what we so desperately struggle with.

I do not want you to think that, because you struggle with doubt, your entire belief in Jesus is a fairy tale. Let me tell you about skeptics. They struggle with it more. I used to be one. In fact, for a group whose name suggests the necessity of doubt, you'll never come across a more certain group of people with an almost supernatural knowledge base of everything from cosmology to political prophecy. That doesn't mean they have far more doubt to contend with than you do, although I think they do. But it does mean that they are even more into hiding it than you are. Don't believe me? When's the last time you ever had a conversation about something fantastic, like the beginning of the universe with a non-believer? My guess is that they sipped their coffee and casually talked about exactly what happened 15 billion years ago in a place far, far away. And the idea is to make you believe they are certain...more certain than you are about your views. The fact is they aren't certain at all. They're just more talented at hiding it.

Probably the biggest cause of doubt, within the Christian community, comes from the behavior of others, including us. We see churches torn apart over budget meetings, worship instruments and moving from Sunday School to Life Groups. In fact, the anger, vengeance and terror are so fierce that if it didn't cause you to doubt your own belief in Christianity as truth, you're probably involved in the anger, vengeance and terror. We just experienced a taste of that in our own church. To make a long story short, we implemented a two-service focus on children and youth, meaning we were eliminating bible study groups on campus, to make room for the kids and create a larger pool of volunteers to help with it. You have no idea how ticked some of these Christian people got over that. What amazed me is that through it all, the folks that were the most intent on causing the rift couldn't see anything except their own anger. There was so much being damaged. What I do know made my hair curl. But what I never witnessed would have probably made me come very close to 'losing my religion'. It was like they got confused, then upset, then totally carried away with the hostility, all the while, trying to maintain the Christian appearance.

It didn't work. It never does. And it caused me to doubt.

In other churches, you get a group that digs their heels in, bullies the pastor, the congregation and dominates every decision, casting out anyone who sees things differently. Of course, from their perspective, they're keeping the Body of Christ spotless from those that would defile it. Right. Usually those that concerned to the point of controlling things, end up being exactly what they are trying to hunt down and kill. This problem is so rampant in American churches, that a seminary has created a program dedicated to church health, which is a euphemism for church triage.

And it causes me to doubt.

But the doubts are only reinforced by my own failures. Just when I think I have conquered something I used to struggle with endlessly, I fall into the very same thing...again. What's with that? Let's just take anger as one of many of these struggles. Sometimes anger is proper, if it is aimed at an objective injustice. But, admittedly, 95% of my anger is never really all that justified. In fact, it probably stems from fear, desires to control situations or manage appearances and it isn't working. The fact is I am one of those that do the hurting too. There will be times that I think that my walk with Jesus has matured to a level where uncontrolled hostility is defeated, and then I fall into uncontrolled hostility. What's with that? I have no idea.

And this causes me to doubt.

I read in the Bible where we accept Jesus, decide to follow Him by transforming our mind and offering ourselves as a living sacrifice, and that His Spirit will change us and make us into new creatures, those that resemble Jesus. But when I look around at others and at myself, I wonder if that's true. Some of these people have been at the church thing far longer than me and if they are screaming in a pastor's face over having to drive to someone's home for bible study, what makes me think anyone can get better and more Christ like?

When I read Scripture, I do find that I am apparently not alone or the first to doubt because of these things. Moses, after the Israelites were freed from bondage, began to complain and wish they were back in Egypt. Moses was thinking this was all a huge mistake. Paul had wondered if the Corinthians were really believers, because of their behavior and...worse...their defiance when called out on it. In Acts, Paul had spent the longest time in Ephesus. His ministry was more successful there than Billy Graham could ever imagine. It only took an angry blacksmith's union delegate to turn a town in love with Paul into a town that wanted his head on a platter. I'm sure Paul had doubts. In fact, when you read 2 Corinthians, I think his depressing demeanor was probably the aftermath of that whole scene in Ephesus. I don't think Paul was suicidal, but he did want God to end him. I read the Psalms and many of them are not from confident people. In fact, you can almost see tears and blood stains all over those pages. Ultimately, I look at Jesus and see a man who asked His disciples to watch for just a short amount of time, and they fell asleep. I see a leader within His group betray Him three times. In Acts, after being taught, watching His healing ministry, His execution and subsequent resurrection, what was the pending question on the minds of His believers? "Hey, are you going to kick the Romans out now?"

Despite all the obstacles, including the crucifixion, I never saw Jesus doubt what His mission was or waiver from it. And He had all kinds of reasons to leave it and do something else. But He didn't. In Hebrews, the writer says that Jesus was tempted in all the ways we are all tempted, yet was without sin. That means He had the task of being allured by hostility, fear, jealousy, lust, and intentionally kept His eye on His Father's will for Him and for us instead. That made Him not only our leader, our redeemer and Master, but it also made Him the perfect bridge between a really messed up group of people and a holy and righteous God.

Maybe that's the key to understanding these doubts. Your belief in Christ is only as good as Christ, rather than the church, or the programs, or the committees or boards. It's either all about Jesus Christ and how He withstands the test of reality, or the entire thing is a waste of time. It seriously is. If it's not about Jesus than why bother getting up early on Sunday morning to go to a place and sing, listen to a speech, give money then leave? Why not sleep in and watch a movie? If it isn't about Jesus then it isn't about anything.

But I know how we Christians operate. We lip services that stuff all the time. "Oh, it's not about me. It's about Him." Right. In fact, most of the time, it is about you and me. If it weren't, then why all the desires to have our way? Why all the anger? Why all the vengeance? Do we really think we have a temple cleansing event happen that often and we're in a great position to cleanse it? Come on. Fact is, we know, cognitively, it’s not about us. But we really believe it’s all about us. And that's what the problem stems from. We lie to ourselves, then to others, then when the chicken skuballa hits the proverbial fan; our worlds are crushed in doubts.

You see, from the day you began to interact with other people (that's pretty young) you realized some things. You realized there were demands, there was a chance for failure and there was a chance you would get hurt. We are all are wired to handle this one way and one way only. We create a strategy on how to wade through life to avoid those things as much as we can. It involves creating a persona. When we are sexually or physically or mentally abused, maybe we go the extra mile and create a few personae. But it’s the same thing. We carefully work on our persona, tweaking it, making it our life's biggest project....the project of us. The crazy thing about our persona is that it’s a lie and we know it. That's the part of us that keeps us awake some nights. We're a lie. We have been since we entered kindergarten.

But the world is structured in such a way that it would be suicidal to abandon that carefully maintained persona. So, we figure that although our 'character' is a lie, its one we'll just have to live with and make it all work somehow. When we get hurt, our persona kicks in and we try to eliminate the pain by burying it somewhere. Of course, if the hurt were a serious cut, it would be like forgoing the bactine or stitches, sticking on a bandage and hoping for the best. When the infection starts oozing out the sides of the bandage, we find we're spending more time on taking care of the damage than we are the persona that tried to hide it in the first place.

The clashes in our lives are caused by competing personae, all vying for our places of security and significance. The rivers of blood we create are from scared kids that grow up into dysfunctional adults who have learned how to manage things as best they could, knowing it was all a big 3 act play to begin with. When the tragedies hit, our persona can't help us and we get a little crazy.

Despite what you see among the skeptics and even among those saints in church of whom are a lot of the subject of this note, repentance has more to it than simply saying you’re sorry. It means turning from fostering this stupid butt hole you try to make into a loveable person, lay it all down at the feet of Jesus and decide to let Him manage your safety and your significance, His way and on His terms. Some make salvation seem sort of shallow and maybe vapid. But when you think about it in terms of taking off your mask, standing there naked and placing your entire trust in Jesus, salvation is something that is entirely impossible for us, unless God intervenes. That's just too risky and crazy for any of us to even begin to consider, unless either God brings us to a precipice where we have to face this fact, or He simply invades our space and melts our hard hearts into something pliable. Salvation is more of a miracle than creating time and space out of nothing. It's more of a miracle than bringing someone back from death. It's amazingly incredible.

I think our doubts are founded in the things about us that are carried into our Christian life from before. Sometimes that involves a persona developed out of a significant amount of hurt, rejection, pain. Jesus stands ready to heal all of those things, if we simply let Him. It means casting away everything you placed your trust in...everything. More lip service from Christian talk, but when I mean everything, I mean that mask you are wearing right now. Consider what He promises in Matthew 11:28-32, rip the mask off, cry a good long while, and let Him pick you up and begin a new life...one that is actually His life for you, rather than the lie fostered since kindergarten.

I'm talking to you, fellow believers. I'm talking to me. And I am talking to any skeptic who is weird enough to read all the way through some crazy Christian's note. Goes for you too. The demon of doubt can be killed. But it has to be acknowledged. It has to be dealt with honestly. And it involves you more than it does some concept or set of doctrines. You may think it’s about those mean Christian people or your own slip ups. But what it involves is the deepest part of you, the part of you that you never show to anyone else. Jesus stands at the door and He is ready to take on all those burdens, hold you in His arms and get you prepared for an incredible life that never ends. Here's the kicker....certainty about all things is not the prerequisite. It never was. Who told you that? Give me his or her name and number so I can call them and let them know how dumb that was. Kiss the demon that has paralyzed you right on the mouth and tell them that you have a Friend that will never allow any of that harm to touch you again. He told me to tell you.