I've managed to keep friends who've had every reason to never speak to me again and abruptly lost friends without ever knowing why or what happened. And I've managed, to my regret, to keep distance from making too many new ones because of those two realities. For those that edge towards being a bit contemplative by nature, gaining a friend gives enough fuel to last decades and losing a friend is a play ground for self absorption and self destruction. Regardless of our respective natures, in this way, we are all damaged goods. The more disappointment, the more intricate and sophisticated the masks we wear and the sheilds we hide.
My nature is to justify myself. Based on what I know of you, it's yours too. If a cherished friendship is gained, I secretly celebrate the discovery of my self-imposed virtuosity, in all its vanity. If a cherished friendship is lost, it must have been for my own good or someone from which I was being protected. But in truth, below the justification, is the acute despair of rejection and any justification is a way to avoid facing the rejection much as avoiding an endless abyss. Fact is, I'm not all that virtuous and I am also not all that stinky. Neither are you. Fact is, being damaged goods, as our individual realms bump into and out of each other's orbit, its a weird and overwhelming experience of fresh wounds opened and amazing sacrifice...sometimes from the same friend. When that friend exits, especially if they are awesome, it makes it tougher, because you begin to think maybe you aren't awesome or worthy of having awesome friends. In truth, it's probably the case they aren't all that awesome and if you knew why they split, you'd bought them a going away gift. Unfortunately, many times, you may never know.
Rejection is a strong fear. For those that were abandoned by someone that was a part of their closest circle of sufficiency, the scars and wounds are profound and sometimes lead to even death, if not physical then social. Not all may have something this profound, but we all have dealt with it in one way, shape or form. In fact, I think it's so strong that we've learned to cover it up with strategies for relating to each other in ways so natural, we are almost unconscious of them. As a result, we're oblivious to the fear that still motivates us on every level. Some people develop a personality that appears warm up to a point only giving way to a protective barrier that refuses any trespassing. Those are the more obvious means of avoiding the fear of rejection. But they can be far more subtle. Maybe the way you stick your left thumb in your pocket when conversing with someone or perhaps growing a soul patch when you're 43 :-) There are probably hundreds of learned ways of coping with this stuff we just don't think much about anymore. After a while, it gets hard wired.
For a non-believer, rejection and abandonment are more real than anything else. Fear and despair are at the core and joy, happiness are all around the periphery to the point that the core is only ignored if the mind is sufficiently occupied...I think that's way alcohol and antihistamines or People Magazine are so useful. But regardles, you have learned to move and glide your way through them, not because you are strong, but because you are numb. I was there. It's more of a game, sort of like Marathon Man, but involuntary. You figure out how to survive on your wits, avoid the potholes and strike or be stricken. For a believer, rejection and abandonment are very real too, except with the added element of mere imaging the way God thinks of you in the same way the person who rejected you thinks about you. It's not so bad if your friend bashes in your windshield or steals your lawnmower. But if they are really awesome people, their rejection profoundly hurts and makes it much easier to believe God feels the same exact way about your sorry butt.
For the believers who understand this, can I get an "Amen!" and from the non-believers, a simple "Hell yeah!" will do.
Let me focus on those who are believers for a moment. Over the past 3 months, I have had conversations burned in my memory about how we treat each other. I have a pretty good church family and sometimes I forget how it works most other places. Not saying my local church is the New Jerusalem. It's not. But it seems I have been protected from the abject horror of the religious profession, to a large extent. Let me say that although we are a body of believers, redeemed, called from eternity at the pleasure of God's will, for an inheritance, we can be some of the meanest people on earth. You know how spraying deodorizer in a room where the cat pooped and you can't find it smells worse than had you not sprayed anything at all? There's just something about the mingling composite aroma of Floral Sachet and cat crap that increases the gag reflexes more than if it were simply cat crap. In the same way, we can be worse because although we may not be as 'in your face' as pagans, the fact we are under the guise of the redeemed in Christ our neurotic, rotten behavior is almost as abjectly horrifying as Dahmer's testimony.
I think we do that because we believe things about ourselves that simply aren't true. We also don't believe things about ourselves that are as true as death and taxes. Our false idea of ourselves can't deal with the weight of real life and we act wounded animals, rather than children and heirs, when reality weighs heavy on us. So it would seems we'd treat each other better if we were able to abandon the silly religious facade and own who we really are, warts and all, as a first step. The second step would be to realize that God is very fond of us. Now, don't glance over that last sentence too quickly. Fact is, to be honest with ourselves, we think God is always sorely disappointed with us, and keeps His back turned most of the time.
Now I hate empty promises, especially religious ones. Nothing pisses me off more than a Hallmark encouragement that is probably false, and prefer a harsh rebuke that is embarrassingly true over it anyday. I am not giving you an cheap Hallmark card when I tell you that God is fond of you. He is. The fact that His Son willfully took on everything you and I deserved gives those of us who trust in Him a unique place of avoiding His wrath and anger and rejection. If we were honest, we'd have no problem understanding our true nature. Deep down, we all know we are screwed up. Understanding Christ's words in John, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" goes beyond a simple reading. They are true. It also says in Romans 8 that for those in Christ there now no condemnation. None. Instead of messing it up, He’s made it all good, before hand. He may orchestrate friendships to come and permit them to unravel, but His love for you has never wavered a bit. You may feel rejected and those who have rejected you may even be godly people. But to believe God feels the same way about you is to call Him a liar. You can do that, so long as you realize those are your choices…..believe Him or consider Him a liar. Even the people closest to you could profoundly hurt you even more, precisely because they are so close. But the rest and peace of knowing that you are loved, cherished, adopted by God as His own, has to be fed from His word to your mind until it penetrates your wounded heart and spirit. That’s why Paul says to think of the good things He’s done…not the things that suck you are pretending are good, but the really good things. They are there and they are many. What that does, in light of Jesus, reminds us of who we are, where He pulled us from and what He will do for us before its all over. We need to remind ourselves and He will help us if we make an effort to do just that.
Just always remember when friends are plenty, you can’t be the best friend to them until you realize you are loved unconditionally, cherished and forgiven by God Almighty, through faith in His Son Jesus. And when the friends split, their rejection of you has no resemblance to the way God feels about you. If you are not a believer, I wish I had some great wisdom for you, but I don’t. Outside of becoming a weird Jesus-freak like myself, not sure there is much to say without simply cheerleading you in the effort to manage outcomes and other people to best suit your needs. And I can’t do that, because its crap. But I realize for you it may be the only game in town and I don’t want to seem way too nihilistic and respect your position, even though I secretly pray for you to reconsider ;-)
