If confidence were likened to crude oil, sometimes I believe I would be importing 100% from abroad. It's just not a plentiful natural resource for me.
I do have a nasty version of what many folks would call confidence, but really isn't. It's more of a false confidence and usually ends up creating a bad scene or making a bad scene worse. Here's the natural inclination (and for those of you with confidence problems, please chime in): start taking inventory.
Say that for some reason, yesterday's confidence is shaken. As a natural means of regaining a confidence that is lost, you start going down the list of natural abilities, circumstances, etc., till you are once again blissfully confident. It's idealistic, even for the ultimate realist, but we do it. The mind starts to go through every possible argument, every possible event and every possible response, with incredible detail.
Problem is, if you are like me, such inventory-taking never succeeds. And it isn't because the natural abilities and good circumstances are taken for granted or ignored. It doesn't work because you can't take inventory without alot of negative stuff that hasn't been fixed yet, the circumstances that could happen outside of our control or people that are outside of your sphere of influence, circling the wagons, also invading our thoughts and feelings, from showing up too. And some personalities can suppress those thoughts and feelings, put on their best grin and find a happy place. It's not a regaining of confidence but a false confidence to stay in the game, keep the meeting going or to simply 'fake it till I make it' sort of strategy.
Others just can't do that, and spiral into a deep despair. For them, it is almost sort of a handicap. For many, prescription drugs are required because for some folks, it simply is a clinical problem. I lean towards that group rather than the other. But, it really is universal problem too. After all, as a commodity, confidence or the desire to get it, is the thing that gets alot of us out of bed each morning...or lack of it keeps us in bed.
Juxtapose those who take Zoloft with those who seem to have an unending supply of confidence. Just as the world begans to implode, you never see them sweat it or lack ingenuity in dealing with the slings and arrows.
When I think of confidence, I don't necessarily get a universal ideal. I mean, sure, I consider someone like Clint Eastwood as confident, but then so is Inspecteur Clouseau. The former is (in character) confident in spite of circumstances and the latter is confident in spite of himself. I am sure we could all think of real people in our lives that represent both and I am equally sure we can see both in ourselves.
I also don't think confidence is something we can simply have. It's like feeling good or sad or angry. It's sort of an involuntary thing, even though there are things we can intentionally do to spur or suppress them. But even if we intentionally do things to spur confidence or suppress low confidence, it seems sort of out of our control.
Simon Peter sticks out in my mind as a great example of confidence. The "Rock" exemplifies how confidence can destroy you and also how it can save your life. Simon Peter was originally called just Simon. Jesus gave him the name Peter, which means rock (petros, caiphas). I realize Catholics disagree with my (and Protestant) exegesis of Matthew 16:17-19, but when Jesus tells Peter, "And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church...", Jesus isn't meaning Peter, but Himself, by means of analogy with Simon's given name. The church (Peter, et. al.) would be built on the true Rock. Looking at the text by itself, it could go either way, with regards to who Jesus refers to by 'this'. But when you go to Acts 4, Peter quotes Psalm 118:22, "the stone you builders rejected, which has become the capstone", referring to Jesus as the capstone. Peter, again, refers to the same text in his first letter to the churches in Asia Minor (1 Peter 2:6-8). Lastly, go read what Paul wrote to the church in Corinth about the laying the only foundation (1 Corinthians 3:10-15). When placing Matthew 16 in context with the rest of Scripture, including Peter's own pen, it appears the capstone and foundation is Jesus, in which the church is built, not Peter. Besides, even Peter had recognized the authority of James as the leader of the church in Acts 14. Enough of that. I will leave it up to the persistent catholic apologists to retort.
In any case Simon was "The Rock." But Simon was also not a rock at all. In fact, when looking at Simon Peter in several parts of Scripture, the name defies the man. Check out the shameful display of machismo and smack in Matthew 16:22, just after the name analogy. Peter, unlike the rest of the disciples, was never going to let anyone lay a finger on Jesus. Jesus tells Peter that not only does he have in mind the things of men, rather than God, goes ahead and informs him of just how brave Peter will turn out, when the chips are down. In Luke 22, Peter tells Jesus that he was ready to go with Him to prison and to death. In fact, The Rock was given three chances at fulfilling his promise, and scurried away each time, just as predicted. Not only did Peter refuse to go with the authorities, he denied the very One he swore to protect three consecutive times.
Now, for those of you reading this that haven't ever screwed up like Peter, this lesson is really not for you. I really don't think you exist in the first place, but I am hedging my bets. Everyone has screwed up like Peter. Everyone has denied Him, more than three times. Think about the gathering of friends where Christians or Jesus were lambasted. Did you defend Him or His Bride? Did you join in on the fun? How about a confrontation with someone who doesn't believe and the person calls your 'religion' in question or ridicules belief in Christ in general? Are you uncomfortable talking about Him in any other way? Why? To be honest, we all stand with The Rock, whether we are too deluded to admit it or not. We all recognize preferrence of acceptance over risking rejection and even ridicule, for the cause of Jesus. We've all been there with Peter.
Where do we place confidence? Confidence in ourselves is destruction. It will go fast or slow, but it will be sure. Such confidence is unfounded and it also rejects the grace given to get as far as we have. It might give us immediate returns, but long term slavery and bondage, leading to things we never thought we would do. It's called our natural inclinations and the ancient Greco/Roman world understood it as 'the flesh.' Take a look at what Paul says in Philippians 3. He equates those with confidence in themselves as 'dogs, men who do evil, those mutilators of the flesh.' Strong words. Paul goes on to show that a natural self-confidence would be in his sparkling resume (Philippians 3:4b-6) then tells them that because of Christ, he considers all of it shit (verse 8). Try that out at your next office party, industry golf tornament, church comittee meeting or night out at the bar. You will quickly see just how rejection of this sort of confidence seems alien to our way of thinking and a sure way to not get invited to any more 'events'.
But if that happens to you, it will be alright. It may not seem like it, but it is. If you fall into the temptation of denying Christ and promoting you, as I do, then believe it or not, it will still be alright, if you are His. Let me explain:
Paul isn't implying that if you ever fall into the same delimna Peter faced, you are a dog and mutilator of the flesh. His delineation was between those who relish in it and those who struggle against it. Those who struggle have something to rejoice about. Christ paid for all sins, past, present and future, on the cross. Our acceptance of what He did on our behalf covers all our mistakes, no matter how bad they are. The only way to be sure of our salvation isn't to see if we have tried and failed, but if we have tried at all and struggled at all. I am talking about an existential struggle between the mind and the body....what we want and what we do, just like Paul outlines in Romans 7. That, not our record, is the true test of adoption. If it were our record, then everyone would still be dead in their wrongdoings and no one would have a relationship with God...we would all be fakes. The relationship has to involve struggle and hardship, as well as the peace and assurance, not because God is a killjoy, but because we are really messed up and need fixing. Without the struggle, there can't be any fixing, because there is no one working on us, from the inside out.
That means that we can step out, warts and all, fail, stumble, screw up and cause all kinds of disasters, and still have a confidence to get up, clean ourselves off and try it again. And that is our confidence in Christ. Without the struggle that should result in changing our minds where and when they need to change, as well as the grace assuring us of our belonging, we would be some hopeless people. But that isn't the case. We have a confidence in Jesus that will get us through far worse than anything that can be thrown our way. He has obliterated the recording of rights and wrongs for those who accept Him, through God's grace. His Spirit also resides in our deepest regions, working on us night and day, whether we feel that presence or not.
Simon Peter eventually knew this. If you read after his denial of Christ, he went into a deep depression. He knew his macho attitude was a fraud. He knew that all the big talk and manipulative controlling of Jesus' fate was idiotic and shameful. He felt like a fraud and a failure, to the point that he shelved all his ministry and went back into the fishing trade. The last chapter of the Gospel of John gives us that impression.
But like I said, Jesus shows up. He always does. It was The Rock who jumped in the water first to swim and meet Jesus at the shore. They all had a huge breakfast with the risen Savior and it seemed as if things were as they were. But the reality of what The Rock had done, rose to the surface. Instead of skirting it, Jesus brings it up by asking The Rock if he loved Him. He asked him three times. Jesus didn't bring it up to reopen a wound, but to lance a boil. Peter was hauling that pain and shame around with him. Jesus died and paid for all sins, so that Peter could be healed of it. By asking Peter three times to watch over His sheep, He was assuring Peter that despite Peter, he was adored by the One who saved him. He was also going to so much more than he ever thought, not through confidence in himself, but in this incredible unconditional acceptance of Jesus, regardless of his failures. That is good news. Probably what the term really refers: God's grace, giving us His Son to bridge the gap between us and Him and the grace to continue in Him, not based on our works, but on the finished work of His only Son.
So, confidence....it is good, depending on where it lies. If it lies in the One who purchased you, no matter where you are or the circumstances you are in, either good or bad, it is a power to sustain and get you further along in this messy world, then you ever thought. If it lies in your own strength, wisdom, goodness, understanding, track record or resume, then enjoy....this is as good as it gets.
Check out the new confidence Peter has, beginning in Acts 2. There is no comparison. It wasn't a confidence in the fact he would never screw up again. Check out Galatians 2 and see that Peter was still a 'work in progress' even then. No. It was a confidence in Jesus over everything else, especially himself, that gave him power. The early church fathers wrote that Peter was arrested by Roman authorities and by refusing to pay ultimate homage to the Emperor over Jesus, was sentenced to crucifixion. Tradition has it that Peter, upon his own request, was crucified upside down. Did Peter's cause succeed? Well, we name our kids Peter and our dogs Nero. Even though this sort of trial is experienced by millions around the world today, we may not individually be called to make this sort of sacrifice. But, we will be called to our own trials. All of our trials further Jesus' cause and we may not get to see victory develop from them in our lifetime.
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Regardless of whether our trials are facing execution or our job, where will our confidence come from? Jesus stated that we will have tribulations because the world hated Him before they even knew of us. But He also said that because He conquered even death, we don't need to fear it. If you belong to Him, there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do to destroy you. You may get fired, you may lose clients, you may lose family and you may even face death. But in Him, you are victorious and will never perish. That sort of confidence is available to everyone who has surrendered their project of survival and promotion, given themselves over with abandon, and recognize what is gained (and can't be taken away) in return. We were meant for Him and as my friend Augustine said, "our hearts are restless until we find our rest in Thee."
I close with a quote from another good friend of mine, Isaiah:
"...no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
and you shall confute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD
and their vindication from me, declares the LORD."
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